Today my daughter turned 1. A first birthday should be a time of joy and celebration. However, last night as I was putting her to bed on the eve of her birthday, tears began to spontaneously roll down my cheeks. It took me by complete surprise that I was so emotional and full of sadness about a milestone that should have been something to celebrate.
After I sang "You Are My Sunshine" through the tears and laid her in her crib, I closed her bedroom door still crying. I decided a shower would be good for me to clear my thoughts and help dry up the tears. Instead of slowing down, though, my tears turned into the full-on-ugly-snotting cry while I struggled to grasp what exactly had turned me into a raving lunatic.
As I cried and prayed, prayed and cried it finally hit me. Sidekick will probably be my last baby but I wasn't done having babies. Getting pregnant the first time was a piece of cake but getting pregnant with Sidekick took an act of congress and a fertility specialist who had to pull out the big guns. The reality is that although I want more kids, it probably won't happen.
Although I know in my head that I am blessed beyond belief with two beautiful children, I always thought that I would have more than two kids. I imagined driving a car full of car seats, having more kids than bedrooms and serving dinner to a packed kitchen table. I wasn't done having babies. No one asked me if I was done with swaddled newborns, baby wearing, onesies, bibs or sippy cups. Just as I was getting the hang of this new mother thing, the curtain has been dropped mid-performance.
I know that right around the corner are new experiences and new joys with each coming stage but it doesn't change the fact that I'm going to miss my babies. I'm going to miss a being so small it could fit in a bread box. I'm going to miss the smell of baby wash on their heads. I'm going to miss the baby babble and dimpled elbows.
I learned in counseling that emotions are meant to be experienced fully so that one can move on. So I'm not going to suppress these emotions and try and convince myself that I should be happy when I'm really a little sad. I am going to let myself mourn the loss of babyhood. And then I will pray for the wisdom and grace to look to the future with eager anticipation. Anticipation of tea parties with a toddler, late night talks with an adolescent girl and family vacations with kids old enough to ride the really scary roller coasters.
I will thank God for the short time I had with my babies and pray for a future as sweet and wonderful as the past.
I have poured my heart out in this post. To read more heart-felt posts, visit Shell at Things I Can't Say.
No comments:
Post a Comment